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  • Lauren Dyche

#Relationshipsgoals is a lie.

Updated: Mar 19, 2019

It is such an easy rabbit hole to fall down. "Why can't my partner do that, look like that, say that...." and so on and so on. I will fully admit that I too sit and watch Jaime Fraser on Outlander and proceed to text Kalib things like, "So, can you call me Sassenach tonight?" and "Do you consider me to be 'the blood of your blood'?" and begin immediately comparing all things Jaime and Claire have to the things Kalib and I have. #relationshipgoals is such a weird lie, that's actually trendy! It's no wonder so many people are unhappy with themselves and their relationships with others when modern media doesn't emphasize healthy relationship practices.


The truth of the matter is, that relationships are unique. There is, and never will be a relationship that will ever be the same as another. It is literally impossible. My relationship with my husband, is not your relationship with your spouse. Your relationship with your spouse, is not your sister's relationship with her spouse. Your sisters relationship is not your parents relationship, and so on. It boggles my mind how quick and easy it is to watch and read relationship propaganda and think to myself, "My relationship should look like that too! What's wrong with my relationship?"


It took me YEARS to learn that expectations, are the serial killers in ever relationship. Truly, I will never forget the moment I sat and read "Mastering Your Mean Girl" by Melissa Ambrosini and read the lines, "Expectations are relationship killers". In fact, it was like every single argument, disgruntlement and issue I had ever had in any and every relationship, romantic or otherwise, came back in full clarity HD. I was resentful, angry or hurt over things Kalib was doing because he wasn't meeting the unvoiced expectations I had never voiced and only kept in my head! Think about that for a second here folks. I had expectations of others, that I never communicated to them, and then I proceeded to get pissed, hurt and judgmental of them for not meeting my unvoiced expectations. This is common sense people, and yet we continue to cause so much strife in our own lives because we don't pause and communicate our needs.


When Kalib and I find ourselves at odds, most times than not, it's because we are not being totally clear in communicating our needs. In fact, it took sitting down in one of our marriage counseling sessions and being prompted by our therapist to respond to the following question, "Do you think your partner wants to meet your needs?" In assuming positive intent and then hearing Kalib tell me that he, "wants to meet my needs". It really bothered me that I wasn't even giving him the opportunity to rise to the occasion.


When it comes to wellness, relationships are one of the All-Stars that you have to have in alignment in order to be living your best life and as your best self. Whether it is your relationship with yourself, spouse or partner, family member, friend, etc. If a relationship in your life is out of alignment, it will impact your overall wellness. Seriously, think about it, we crave the comforts of things like wine, chocolate and other foods to compensate the unmet elements in our relationship aspect of our life. It's why that scene from Legally Blonde always come to mind where Reese Witherspoons character is lying in bed with her dog, a box of chocolates and a romance movie on. He relationship with herself was out of alignment and as a result, she began eating poorly, limited her physical activity and spending time with her friends.


I encourage you to send some time tonight reflecting or journaling about some of the things or areas in which you are frustrated with your partner, friend, coworker or family member. Seriously, write the list out on paper. Then look at each complaint and honestly ask yourself, "Did I communicate this to him or her? Did I ask them to do that? Did I voice that need?" More importantly, "Did I give them an opportunity to meet my needs?" Like me, I'm sure you'll discover that you may have been the sole culprit of the expectation crime. Let me know how this exercise goes for you in the comments below.

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